After some time laying with this idea of being completely alone, it became clear that it is a familiar feeling. This makes it more palatable than when I woke up earlier. Makes my limbs relax a bit. The only difference is that the alone I am feeling now is in the dark and quiet of my bedroom and in the middle of the night. The alone I'm used to is in the company of many people, in my own home, with the people that love me 'the most', or in the only other place I am most familiar - school. The discovery is heavy but freeing. No matter where I am: with my mommy, my sisters, in a room of 30 other children, or on the playground with 300 children talking, playing, running, I'm all by myself, responsible for myself, the first and foremost protector of myself. And that means I can do anything - become anyone I want to be.
The quiet of the night and it's shadows are softer now. I watch their slow, sweet dance across the walls. Their delicate movement melts me to the point that I relax enough to know that I should go back to sleep now. Morning will be here soon and I'm going to need all the energy I can muster to protect what's most important in the light of the day.